- Walking: 24.1 km (Total 472.4 km)
- Weather: Rain
Today it was raining cats and dogs and men and people from my hometown. Glad I brought with me my umbrella, if not, the mobile would have knelt. The Locus Map app,that I am using (the best there is) shows me the directions. If I had been without, I probably been lost. It’s flat the landscape, but its stupid to walk 2 degrees wrong directions for hours, then you end up somewhere else.
I went into a bar in the middle of nowhere and dried up a bit, said I wanted a big glass of red whine. It was the smallest big glass I ever have had, so I asked for another and walked fast after. In the end I walked into a MacDonald’s an said I wanted a big burger, and I got a cold, dry burger with å coke, think I used 5 second to swallow it and walked good again.
It became dark before I reached the destination .
Tomorrow is my last day walking and then I probably will right about this God-thing. Today I will share a new understanding I found on my way:
If you really, really, really want to be present and not react like an immature person in new situations, then you have to do the work and that means to meet what is showing up to you and not try to control life, behavior, avoid people and so on and start to dig deep and stay in the feelings showing up so they can be released.
The trauma (trauma = how we react to present circumstances based on past, unconscious programming that doesn’t arise to awareness and is hidden in the energetic body) research tells me that trauma does not arise as a memory. It arise as a reaction.
You can think and think and think a story over and over again and hope that it will go away one day or cling to it like a baby and feel sorry for yourself or blame others, but it’s just like monkeys in a tree, it will jump around you forever, unless you are willing to do the work.
If not you will keep on bleeding on thoose who never hurt you and live in a personal jail.
The triggers, are one part present circumstances and one part past trauma. This means that every trigger that happens to you is related to trauma. I had to finally dig with inquiry. Although I have been told: «dont look at the past». Really, its not what I have been doing (the thinking takes care of that stuff). There have been a few teachers in my life, supporting my digging, the physical pain and suffering has been enormous and I am so grateful that I never gave up. It was easy to turn away from this unconsciousness and simply be here now, but the ego still ruled a lot (wanting thing and the «needyness») and my reactions was running relationship to some degree and was related to my own trauma of growing up like a punk in Bergen. This «not wanted, not good enough stuff». So coming back to the essence has been the real journey.
Insight: Walk all the way, like Bob Dylan’s song: I shall be released.
And I am. Xxx