It was raining cats and dogs. I mean a lot. And it was cold. But I walked from home with all my rain wear on. 18 kilos on my back. Brought with me my tent, sleeping bag, gas stove and so on. And it worked really well. My body could take it, my knees were good. Good to go. I was so happy and proud.
A lot of paved roads on this day, but I have the best of shoes.
But one thing I decided on this preparation tour 7: «never pitch a tent alone again». It’s just to much job. I didn’t enjoy it. Making dinner on the gas stove, inflate the sleeping mat etc. I am just to old for this now. I can do it while my husband is with me, that’s another thing, but not alone anymore. It was a sad feeling to accept this, but this is reality.
My son came out to the camping site in the morning and we had swim in the sea. The weather turned out really good. I took the bus back home.
From home to Storsand Camping
Distance: 14.1 km
Insight: The idealization of fixing tent life as a pilgrim is now just a distortion of my reality.
Started from home with a 12 kg backpack. The sky was blue and it was hot enough, so after 3 km I had a one hour break, and cooled myself in the sea. The feeling is strong and good.
One thing I am really working on is that I am always complaining that other people are not doing what it takes to stop being afraid and get healthy. I have to learn to observe their choices, and not try to give them suggestions and advice, but just look at their choices, understand their character and decide what I am going to allow in my life.
From home to Jakobsli
Distance: 9.7 km
Insight: Self love is good, doing the job is good, but I must remember to be aware, and act on what I say and do. Self love without awareness is useless.
My aunt wrote to me once: If you want to walk 1000 miles, you have to take the first step. I think I am on a good track for that. One mile in Norway is 10 km, by the way.
Started from home again and in the direction the body told me. The rain was on and off. The body was on and off. I met our pilgrim friends on their way home. We updated each other’s life and I forgot to take pictures, so I took one when they were gone. You can see them if you look good. After 8 km I stopped thinking about both. Reset on a bench next to the church my sons had their Confirmation. Visited my old psychiatrist Arnfinn’s tombstone. I went to him once a week for 19 years. He was hit by a car in a zebra crossing one day while he was walking to his office. He died instantly. I tried to call him 5 minutes before to say I was late for my appointment with him. But his phone had been forwarded to the wrong mobile, so I could not reach him. I have of course been through this time after time. What if…….
They say you live as long as you live in someone’s heart. He definitely lives in mine. He turned 60 that year. I walked a little longer, thinking about him. He became a friend of our familie, was at our wedding and attended many of my concerts.
He supported me like a father should have done. I have always had this drive. Tons of projects and activities that in the end numbed me and made me exhausted. Even though I became sick of it, it was so hard to let go, I became insisting and virtually maniacal. To be seen and to have something to do became so intense as the drive itself. I wanted something from the outside, instead of investing in the inside. Arnfinn gave me space to heal myself, and gave me acceptance for who I am and listened to all the boring sad stuff from my early years. But it had to be done, so I could breath and be mature and not take the blame anymore. My walking gives me the space for more insight of who I am without support from others.
It is expected and accepted in society to have a project or job that gives excitement, importance and meaning. And I do my very best in trying to let that go, because I can’t anymore, I get so stressed and the heart beat goes to 11. Society says: «you are somebody» if you do so and so. I am learning to never be someone. The feeling of meaninglessness and no value has often been confronted. It’s good to walk, but I have to be careful that it is not another activity that has tons of expectations, that needs likes.
I passed a football match and stopped the watch and took the bus back home.
From home to Downtown over Moholt
Distance: 11.7 km
Insight: I have to walk and heal all that hurts me, if not, I will bleed on those who never cut me.
Today I tried not to know where I was going when I left home. It’s hard because the «I» in me wants to be in charge. But it worked out fine and I ended up at Saksvikskorsen which is a nice spot for pilgrims about 6 km from home. I sat there for at least one hour and just listened to the sounds around me.
I had an 8 kg backpack. 3 liters of water, clothes, food etc. The weight works well for 10 kilometers at least. I think I will walk with 8-9 kg on some more trips before I carry a tent, sleeping bag etc. Have to build up the shape again. If I keep on walking like this the summer through, I also need new Hoka hiking boots before the London – Paris tour.
The weather was sunny, even though the forecast was rain. If you live this far up north, it’s always risky to leave home without an all-season jacket. Maybe that’s why everyone looks the same here 🙂
The body worked well and I spontaneously almost went for å longer road, but then the «I» decided to cut it off, better safe than sorry. So I walked down to the seaside again and looked at the new train station and the nice place they had made in front of that.
I took the bus home again.
From home to the Vikhammer
Distance: 14.4 km
Innsight: A pilgrim’s walk creates the opportunity to be aware of everything at once – the totality.
Started after 12 o’clock. Waited to see my youngest son and husband left by car to Ålesund, because his mother is at the end of her journey, 88 years old.
The direction was to the city centre, which has a nice path all the way to the city. I walked Pilgrimsleden for 5 km before it turn left and leaves the fjord, while I kept walking along the path. Nice weather, nice walk and this day my mantra was to feel the value of walking. Be in the walking. Feel the walking. Listen to all the sounds around me that is not coming from «the me».
My backpack was 7 kg, and yes, I do need to carry more heavy stuff for the training. The first person I met was the drummer of a punk-band from Trondheim, called «Sjølmord» (Suicide). Their single from 1979 is now worth 150 euros on the market. It was a bit strange to meet him, because lately I have wondered where life has taken him. He is a good walker. I am not so sure that he likes me, but since I have stopped caring about who likes me, it’s ok. Strong women can be hard to swallow for some people. He talked a lot about his life and didn’t ask much of mine, which is fine by me, so we ended the chat very sure that moving is the best way of dealing with life. He looked sharp and I told him.
There are some ups and downs on the path and I took the hard rock café after 5 km. It’s nice to walk next to the sea and I know I have to do that alot on my journey from London to Paris. After 8 km, you can see the town and its great view from the last high point on the path.
I met a girl that remembered me from school. After taking a few minutes I remembered her. «Everyone knows the ape – the ape dont know anyone». She had also hit the wall and tried to fill her days with meaningful things, like walking. A good chat, but mostly I like to be in silence and walk alone.
It might seem weird to walk like a pilgrim, but it’s wonderful. It puts «the me» out of thinking and gives space for real life. You can be the observator for all that is going on and you stop criticizing yourself or others.. It’s just not relevant or interesting to be in that kind of state.
In the town I met my stepson and my oldest son, and we ate dinner together. We had å good time. It’s hard to have an appointment which is at 17:00, when you walk, so I had to rush the last kilometers. Don’t like that stress.
Today I thought that I am not willing to be obedient to the system that conserves my old behavior patterns, and I have to accept that. It takes effort, it does not necessary feel so cool, but it is the right thing to do. It is strange that to do the right thing can be so painful. But something in me support my right to say «no» instead of «yes». It’s not that I am disobedient all the time, but something inside me supports me in my right to say «no», instead of «yes». Unless I am able to say «no», my «yes» means less.
Today I also started from home. That’s «newish». What I have learned from my walk to Roma is a lot, and one thing is that what the road show you, must be integrated in your everyday life. And it’s so funny because when I turn on my watch and start the first steps, all experience, all nature, all I see around me, I see as a pilgrim, totally new and majestic. It probably sounds crazy, but its true. When I walk as å pilgrim, I totally walk in my own pace, being as present as I am able to.
It was a bit heavy the first 8 kilometers, a little bit heavy backpack, as planned and my feet where heavy too. Came to a gate where I could help a woman in wheelchair to open it and she said: You look so fit. Well, I try I answered. I made up my mind to give compliments if I happened to meet someone today. I walked through «Stokkbekdalen», a beautiful valley a 20 minute walk from home. The sound of the birds and the sharpness in the green colors, I could eat it. 30 years ago was my first walk through there, with my oldest son (he was one year then) and I felt the same gratitude like i did back then. After 5 km I always stop, even if I could carry on walking, because a 2 minute break works better than none. On the road again and into the woods it became heavy, specially because I desperately needed a restroom. I didn’t carry toilet paper with me, so I went to the complex where my doctor has office and used theirs and then off again. So to next walk, I will bring with toilet paper, Anitbac and a charging chord, because my cellphone is «eating» battery power due to GPS usage. I always use the Locus Map application on my walks.
I met one of the sisters to my youngest son’s girlfriend and I remember ed to Say it was Nice to meet her. Half an hour later I met her Brother, walking on the way which today reminded me most of a pilgrimage camino. A wonderful spot in Trondheim. Leirfossen.
Look at the bird besides him. So cool. I remembered to say he was a cool boy and life will do him well. A good chat.
I sat on the most beautiful cemetery in Trondheim, took of my shoes and had my lunch. God, I love those moments.
The sun was shining and the food was working. I used to call this breaks for Betty Hard Rock Cafe on my way to Rome. Strangely enough I found a graffiti today, with the text «Rome» (First pictures I took after I left home).
When I pass 10 km it felt like I could walk forever. But I know for sure that s not true. At the end of today’s walk I visited Stig and Marte, they got married one year ago. She has 3 kids from before, he has 2. Today they had bought a dog and a cabin and I congratulated them a lot. Brave people. They had this Pride-flag on their house, I think I will buy one and put it our house. My conservative neighbors will probably like me even more than they normally do 🙂
Took the bus back home. A good day
Every walking day I start with yoga and I read something that I can use as a mantra throughout the day. And today it was how can I simply just be in my experience and what does it do to me?
Definitely I become more happy. I don’t ask for the happiness, but that’s what happens. The more I dare to be present the more OK I feel. But of course my brain tries to bring me out of it and into what I have learned, to be in the future or the past, but the presence lasts longer and longer.
I don’t want to behave like a poor, offended, needy and jealous girl, I work to be in the presence as a mature woman. I feel so rich when I take this responsibility for my self, and yes, I am rich, I come from Norway. It is interesting how I feel satisfied when I am responsible for my day. Sure I can be happy when I am having a holiday, but can I be happy in my regular life, Monday, Tuesday etc……? The road makes me feel precious & royal, open and free and there is no show-off in it. No need for «likes», no need to be seen and I love that. So now I will use some months to save money for my journey from London to Paris.
From home to the Rosten
Distance: 17 km
Insight: When I am present all the Ideas about myself dissolves and I become happy. Probably because the Ideas is not real.
Luckily the «Pilegrimsleden» (St. Olav’s Way) pass my house. From spring to autumn I can see pilgrims walking from the north towards the Nidaros Cathedral. Today we started from home and walked towards the cathedral following the the way, because the modern St. Olav’s Way celebrates 25 years this year.
After 5 km, at Ringve Museum we met up with around 30 pilgrims and walked with them to the Cathedral. It was a nice, a bit cold day. We met some fine people who remembered us from the time we spent one year at the NICU with our oldest sons which were born way too early.
It was a nice ceremony in the Cathedral, with Herborg Finnset, who «remarried» us at our Silver Wedding 5 years ago. She is now the Bishop in the Diocese of Nidaros. I brought with me a quit big stone, which I left on the altar in the eastern chapel, it represented my offended ego, witch I have worked on a lot. To leave it – to let go of it and learn the lesson: No pay – No glory, and that’s OK. This next pilgrim’s walk is done to unpack The Real and stay solid in My Self.
You can be a pilgrim or you can be a punk, it is all most the same. A punk fights the system. A pilgrim leaves the system. And the system is for me the ego’s systematic distortion screaming to be seen and to «be somebody» for the outer world, so the collective ego can be happy with it, so I can be have like an imitation instead of an original.
And who am I?
I am a woman passed middle age an I love to hit the road to be in the inner space of me. There is no goal other than to enjoy being and to stay in love with life and see what is true. I love when the fire is burning inside and the magic is there. Out from my daily life sometimes to walk the road, the endless road and be filled with some divine feeling.
Instead I could have found myself a little dog, like a lot of women my age are doing and keep walking in the neighborhood (nothing wrong with that), but since I have had 3 children I don’t want to take care of anyone. No it’s my time. Or I could start drinking every day, like a lot of people in my age are doing. Get me right, I like to drink, but I mean, they drink a lot, and alcohol kills the fire (like so much other things are doing) and I need my sobriety to feel the growth, stay hungry and sharp.
My next journey will be from London to Paris (September/October), so I have to build up my walking capacity. I have to give the tent one more chance before I get too old, the backpack will be heavy, so now it is focus time.
My husband is 65 and works full time. I can’t sit here and wait for him. I am a mature, grown up woman and I got this life once.
Today we ended up in «Pilgrimsgården» for coffee and cake and a good chat with the Bishop and others.
Det finnes altså en driv, som driftes fra essens, som ikke krever noe annet enn å bli satt igang og som varer så lenge egoet ikke blander seg inn.
Denne driven er, i følge meg, den egentlige rikdommen og alle har kjent den i seg. Kunsten er å få 神祕 til å integrere seg og være en del av seg og det krever selvsagt noe. Men gjerne noe annet enn det man hadde tenkt.
Hvordan man setter i gang driven, få ballen til å rulle, karusellen til å snurre er ikke noe mysterium, men i følge meg, krever det et Hvorfor, samt en del gode rutiner, stamina og selvomsorg, og ikke minst fravær av den indre kritikeren.
Det er sannelig ikke lett, fordi vi har lært oss til å tenke ut hva som er bra for oss og hva som er dårlig for oss i stedet for å godta at det som skjer i oss og la det få bestemme og stole på hva vi selv synes, følge magefølelsen og la den være en veiviser. Vi godtar en hel masse direktiver på hva som sømmer seg og holder ut med folk som ikke er bra for oss. Det er vår personlighets svakhet å la seg forlede av det vi blir fortalt og det er vår personlighets mangel, at vi ikke aksepterer ting akkurat slik de er og at vi hele tiden vil over til neste øyeblikk, bort fra smerte og inn i lykken.
Folk som har driven er interessante. De lener seg ikke på andre og gjør sin greie. De trenger ikke bekreftelser på alt de gjør. Når jeg har driven i meg er folk imponerte og beundrer meg og det er ikke fordi jeg er en uføretrygdet barnevernspedagog eller en pensjonert artist, det er fordi jeg har driven. Hvis du kjenner en som har en driv, sett pris på personen. Heller 2 minutter med en som har driv, enn 2 timer med en som ikke har det. Mennesker som har driven i seg kan virke inspirerende hvis man vil være ansvarlig selv, hvis man egentlig ikke vil, blir de med driv bare irriterende eller helter, spørs hvor lang avstand det er i relasjonen eller hva man er drevet av selv. En med driv kan virke både skummel og krevende. Det finnes folk som har et egodriv, men de er ikke like interessante. De kan være rause, men bare hvis det gagner dem selv. De som er drevet av egen nedtur og som synes det er alle andre sin feil eller bare klager bør man styre unna, men dessverre kan de fungere som et lim hvis du er drevet av «det» selv.
Når vi ikke har den gode driven er det mere tankene som styrer oss. Og tankene vil ha mere eller mindre av noe.
Har vi det godt vil vi ha mere, har vi det vondt vil vi ha det vekk. Vi vil hele tiden noe annet, der fremme. Det er der vi bommer, fordi disse ønskene om mer eller noe annet skaper følelser som holder oss nede og stjeler energi. Vi får ikke tak i livskvaliteten og 神祕 får slettes ikke fotfeste i oss.
Vi vil ha vekk det slitsomme, mens det i grunnen bare forsterker seg, fordi vi ikke har skjønt hvordan vi skal stilne det. Vi prøver å komme oss unna det som gjør vondt og det blir verre. Vi vil gjerne være lykkeligere og prøver å produsere noe som skal gi den følelsen også ramler det sammen etter en stund. Pussig i grunnen.
For meg funker det aller best å fokusere og hele tiden ha dette i minnet. Jeg har funnet en nøkkel og prøver å dele det, så godt det lar seg gjøre. Jeg ønsker alle å finne ut av denne bindingen for den er et helvete i seg selv. Det første som må gjøres er å titte på angsten for å slippe taket på gamle innlærte greier og våge å stole på seg selv.
Bindingen har altså to retninger, en som vil vekk fra smerte og en som heller til fornøyelse. Det er hele dilemmaet. Det fungerer slik for oss alle og de aller fleste sitter fast i det. Livet kan jo funke greit med det, men det var aldri meningen å bare ha det greit.
Å nekte nedturer og smerte og å søke fornøyelse styrker personligheten svakheter. Det er mat for egoet. Det er å sitte fast.
Hva skal man gjøre hvis man ikke vil sitte fast?
Hvis man sier at man skal slutte med de to tingene, er det antagelig fordi man ønsker noe, f. eks fred eller mindre smerte. Altså bordet fanger.
Aksept av slik det er i tilværelsen, kan bidra til å slutte å jakte og er en løsning for å lære seg å tåle og favne dagen. Jeg vil påstå at det er helt nødvendig for å få kontakt med realiteten. Og først da kan den egentlig forandringen få feste.
Å forsøke å løpe fra en nedtur er å avvise noe i seg selv. Nedturen er der fordi man skal lære noe. Å avvise sin egen opplevelse fører aldri til et bedre liv. Det er bare en luremus. Å forsøke å tviholde på en nedtur fordi det er det velkjente gir heller ingen frihet. Å tviholde på glade stunder likedan. Å søke og å ønske bort er en mental greie som ikke gir god helse. Å se andre steder eller ønske seg mer av noe, neste steget, neste fornøyelse, neste fravær av smerte og ønske seg resultater er ikke noe annet enn å fjerne seg fra seg selv.
Dette er ikke en mental greie som man kan fixe med egoet. Det er hjertet som må få bestemme.
Jeg unner folk å finne driven og bli klar over egne bindinger.
Vi må være mere nyskjerrig. Jeg var i starten på denne måneden nyskjerrig på mitt hvorfor, som var å være voksen i hverdagen, ta et voksent ansvar for meg selv og min egen helse. Det er hverdager vi har flest av. Og jeg har gitt alt for å involvere meg i opplevelsene det har gitt. Jeg er ikke så glad i mål fordi jeg alltid føler press da, men jeg fikk tak i 神祕 og da kan mål seile sin egen sjø. Jeg har elsket prosessen og 50 mil har ikke vært for strengt eller uoverkommelig, men egentlig bare en show-off greie, akkurat som det å vandre til Roma var.
Da jeg gikk til Roma handlet mitt klare, overbevisende og brennende hvorfor om å se innover og oppdage selvrespekt og egenverd og hvordan ble til en vandring på 404 mil, en solid egenreise i bevegelse både innad og utad. Nå handlet hvorfor’et om å ta ansvar for å være voksen og fornøyd med egen innsats i hverdagen og hvordan det ble et 50 mils løfte til meg selv i løpet av februar.
Forskjellen på hjerne og hjerteaktivitet har jeg skjønt og 神祕 er på plass, da er jeg involvert og nyskjerrig på hverdagen og det kaller jeg suksess. Når jeg er involvert i min egen hverdag er alt fint, da er jeg levende. Nyskjerrigheten ble en døråpner for å elske hverdagen.
Mitt hvorfor ble min seier!
Innsikt: Finn ditt eget hvorfor og spør deg selv samtidig hvorfor du leser dette?