My aunt wrote to me once: If you want to walk 1000 miles, you have to take the first step. I think I am on a good track for that. One mile in Norway is 10 km, by the way.
Started from home again and in the direction the body told me. The rain was on and off. The body was on and off. I met our pilgrim friends on their way home. We updated each other’s life and I forgot to take pictures, so I took one when they were gone. You can see them if you look good. After 8 km I stopped thinking about both. Reset on a bench next to the church my sons had their Confirmation. Visited my old psychiatrist Arnfinn’s tombstone. I went to him once a week for 19 years. He was hit by a car in a zebra crossing one day while he was walking to his office. He died instantly. I tried to call him 5 minutes before to say I was late for my appointment with him. But his phone had been forwarded to the wrong mobile, so I could not reach him. I have of course been through this time after time. What if…….
They say you live as long as you live in someone’s heart. He definitely lives in mine. He turned 60 that year. I walked a little longer, thinking about him. He became a friend of our familie, was at our wedding and attended many of my concerts.
He supported me like a father should have done. I have always had this drive. Tons of projects and activities that in the end numbed me and made me exhausted. Even though I became sick of it, it was so hard to let go, I became insisting and virtually maniacal. To be seen and to have something to do became so intense as the drive itself. I wanted something from the outside, instead of investing in the inside. Arnfinn gave me space to heal myself, and gave me acceptance for who I am and listened to all the boring sad stuff from my early years. But it had to be done, so I could breath and be mature and not take the blame anymore. My walking gives me the space for more insight of who I am without support from others.
It is expected and accepted in society to have a project or job that gives excitement, importance and meaning. And I do my very best in trying to let that go, because I can’t anymore, I get so stressed and the heart beat goes to 11. Society says: «you are somebody» if you do so and so. I am learning to never be someone. The feeling of meaninglessness and no value has often been confronted. It’s good to walk, but I have to be careful that it is not another activity that has tons of expectations, that needs likes.
I passed a football match and stopped the watch and took the bus back home.
- From home to Downtown over Moholt
- Distance: 11.7 km
- Time: 4:31
Insight: I have to walk and heal all that hurts me, if not, I will bleed on those who never cut me.